I Think I Hid Behind Photography For A While

I used to think carrying a camera made me more present.

Now I’m not so sure.

There was a period where I brought my camera everywhere. Dinners, walks, trips, even simple coffee runs. At first, it felt exciting because everything looked photographable. Reflections on train windows. Light hitting random walls. Strangers passing through shadows.

But eventually, I noticed something uncomfortable.

I was observing everything without really being part of it.

I would stand slightly outside conversations so I could “watch.” I’d slow down while walking with friends because I was looking for frames. Sometimes I even liked when nobody noticed me because it meant I could keep shooting quietly.

The camera slowly became a hiding place.

I think photography can connect you to the world, but it can also create distance if you’re not careful. You start experiencing moments through the idea of documenting them instead of actually living them.

That’s probably why I shoot less now.

Sometimes I leave the camera in my bag. Sometimes I choose the conversation over the photo. Sometimes the memory feels more honest without an image attached to it.

I still love photography. I just don’t want it to become a wall between me and my own life.